If you've read my stuff for very long, you know just how much I hate public relations people. So when I bumped into some particularly inane headlines recently, I just couldn't resist adding my own editorial comments. Like these:Headline: Callers to National Runaway Switchboard are Getting Younger
Translators were necessary to understand the goo-goos and gaa-gaas.
Headline: Amazon.com Intros Service Allowing Purchases Via Text Message
Next they'll be hooking us up to electrodes and we'll be purchasing just by thinking.
Headline: USA TODAY Hollywood Hero Award Honors Earvin 'Magic' Johnson for His Work With the Magic Johnson Foundation
Imagine that. Magic Johnson being feted for working with his own foundation.
Headline: Wendy's Blames Snow, Easter For Poor Q1 Performance
Didn't it snow and easter on McDonalds and Burger King, too?
Headline: Electrolux Taps Kelly Ripa For Line Launch
What's their tag line? "Nothing Sucks Like Kelly Ripa"?
Headline: RBC Centura Bank Celebrates Name Change to RBC Bank
And if that doesn't work, they're changing it to just "Bank."
Headline: Werner Ladder Co. Becomes Official Ladder of the NCAA Basketball Championships
Because you gotta change the net somehow.
Headline: BP Announces Gulf of Mexico Discovery
I understand Christopher Columbus discovered the Gulf of Mexico way back in 1492.
Headline: Movie Gallery/Hollywood Video Closing Another 160 Stores
The only thing moving at Movie Gallery is its employees -- to the unemployment office.
Headline: America's Favorite Celebrity Siblings, Donny & Marie, to Host Teleflora's Mother's Day NBC Special
What, they couldn't get the Menendez brothers?
Headline: Dunkin' Donuts Makes Tax Day a Little Sweeter With Free Donuts
Nothin' funny about this headline. You deserve it. Go getcha some coffee and a donut on Monday.
Headline: La-Z-Boy Announces Moves to Strengthen Its North American Operations
Aw, why be in a hurry? Just sit down in that easy chair. Lean back. Relax. Now isn't that zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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